View Full Version : Chuck Norris

18-11-05, 01:58 PM
This is prolly old.. well must be coz i stoled it from clanuk board which is ++++old.. but it owns nonetheless

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead

18-11-05, 02:06 PM

More importantly though, in a fight to the death between Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel who would win?


25-01-06, 06:09 PM
Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.

? Mr. T can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on fools.

? Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

? Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

? Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T was not beat by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky III. He actually lost to Stallone's stuntman, Chuck Norris. It took 5 hours of work by a dozen makeup artists to make Chuck Norris ugly enough to be a believable Stallone. Even with Chuck Norris, it was still necessary to use 3 metric tons of animal traquilizers to knock Mr. T out long enough for a 10 count.

? When in the presence of Mr.T a magic-8-ball ALWAYS predicts PAIN!

? The stork does not deliver babies; Mr. T throws them to your doorstep. The baby has already been blessed with his pity and branded a fool.

? Satan sold his soul to Mr. T.

? Mr T tried to break the speed of light in the A-Team van because he wanted to prove that quantum physices was a bunch of Jibba Jabba.

? The police stopped him doin 100fps - thats 100 fools pitied per second

? When Mr. T isn't busy pitying fools, he gives back to the community by teaching a Jibba Jabba As A Second Language class to immigrants.

? Mr. T shot J.R

? When Chuck Norris interrupted Mr. T's breakfast of diesel fuel and shovels, Mr. T stood up and Chuck Norris sh1t himself, knowing a roundhouse kick to the face was useless to Mr. T's pity

? Mr. T invented nuclear power while wanking in the back of his van, the formula is pity(p) mulitpied by fools(f) divided by jibba jabba. This resulted in modern nuclear fisson - take that nuclear physics

Mr T does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Mr T goes killing.

Mr T counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mr T

Mr T ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Mr T sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, Mr T has not had to pay taxes ever.

Mr T can touch MC Hammer.

Mr T sleeps with a night light. Not because Mr T is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mr T.

Mr T likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "eat", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Mr T died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.